


Confessions

by paigestuck



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Sadstuck, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-07
Updated: 2013-02-07
Packaged: 2017-11-28 11:42:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/674014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paigestuck/pseuds/paigestuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard being the last of your kind. It's hard and nobody understands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions

You admit to her that sometimes you sit with your head in the sendificator, contemplating if it’s worth it or not. And she admits to you she drinks to muddle the pain, trying to feel anything but it. And you admit that you jump off and pretend to drown. You ask her what drowning feels like. Sometimes she tells you it probably feels like all the air is being sucked from your lungs to be replaced with water and sometimes she says maybe it’s not so bad.

Sometimes she admits to you that she’s terrified. Terrified of being alone, terrified of staying this way forever, terrified of dying, terrified of losing you. And that’s what you think about when you sit with your head in that box. You think about how much she needs you. You think about how much it would suck to actually be the last person on earth. You think about how she would drink herself to death.

You’ve both thought about it, you’ve both talked about it. About suicide, about ending it, about ways to cope. She wonders which drink will take her too far. You wonder which swim will be your last. She tells you that it hurts. And you say I know. Sometimes she’ll call you. She never speaks, but you can hear her muffled sobs and you try to say soothing things to her, anything to stop her tears, anything to put the glass  _down_.

These are the times you know she’s so close to the edge, close enough to jump. Most of the time she cries out for her mom or she cries out for you and sometimes she cries out for Jake or Jane or anyone. She just doesn’t want to feel so alone anymore. And she knows it’s selfish to use you like this. And she can hear your voice crack when you try to calm her down.

She knows you feel it too. She knows you fight back the tears a lot better than her, but the pain is always there too. She tries to sooth you. When she knows you’re thinking about it. She tells you one you’ll meet up and everything will be okay, that you’ll fight the witch together. That you’ll live or die trying, but you will not die alone. She doesn’t realize how scared you are.

You think she’s stronger than you, even through all her crying you know she’s stronger. You know she’s braver. She wouldn’t second guess fighting the Condense, but you would rather run. You would rather hide. You know you’re not the hero your brother was and you don’t know if you’d be capable of stepping up to the job when the time comes. You’re such a coward sometimes that it makes you sick.

You wonder why she doesn’t see how beautiful she is. You wonder why she pretends to be drunker than she is when she talks to your friends. You wonder what it’s like to hold her, but then you stop because you know where those thoughts lead and you can’t stand wasting anymore time thinking about her sitting there all alone. She deserves so much more and you can’t give her the one thing she wants.

She wonders why her mom left her so much alcohol and you say maybe she felt the same. But she can’t dare believe her mother to be a lonely alcoholic. And it hurts when you hear her refer to herself like that. You guys are fifteen for Christ’s sake. Growing up shouldn’t be this hard.

“Dirk?” She says and you don’t hear her slur.

“Yeah, Rox?” You ask, afraid of what she might say.

“Please don’t leave me alone.” Her voice cracks and you know she just wants to be held and you would do it if you could.

You’re silent. You don’t know if it’s because you don’t know what to say or if it’s because you’re afraid  _your_  voice might crack.

“Promise me.” Her voice is strong now, like she knows you might not be able to keep that promise. You think you might not be able to keep that promise.

“Of course, Roxy.” You feel a pang of guilt run through you. You’re lying. She sighs so loud that you think she knows it.

Your name is Dirk Strider and you know you’ll never be as strong as Roxy Lalonde.


End file.
